My First Ambulance Ride

 
Here’s the set-up.

Sunday night: arrive home from a 12 day trip to Alaska. Was amazing. I understand how small we humans are, how insignificant we are, among the natural world. Major  perspective shifts in so many ways.

Monday Morning Through MidDay: Work up with a sore back. Figured all of the schlepping of very heave luggage over the last 2 weeks might be the cause. Decided yoga might help. Did yoga. Didn’t help. Went to grocery store. Nearly cried while waiting in line for THE SLOWEST CASHIER in history. The pain in my lower back was beginning to reach what I consider a 7 or 8 on the pain scale. Bought some ibuprofen and popped 800 mg as soon as I got to my car. Bought a Tiger Balm patch and applied that, too.

Monday Night: Picked up the new kitten. Lots of “doing” to get her set up in her new home and acclimated to a place where three other dogs and a resident cat live. Eventually, with back still hurting and while ignoring the pain, I laid down in the room with the kitten to go to sleep for the night. I didn’t want her to be alone.

Tuesday early morning hours: I couldn’t sleep. Tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. Little kitten is just a lump of love laying next to me in bed but I couldn’t even enjoy it because my lower back was REALLY hurting. Got up to get some more ibuprofen and an ice pack. Decided my own bed might be more comfy. Went in for a safety pee before crawling into bed. And that’s when the pain REALLY TOOK HOLD OF ME. I felt a deep spasm in my lower left side, just below the waistline and into the top of my tush. I fell of the toilet in pain that was as intense and deep as the pains of childbirth. I screamed for Andy.

Tuesday 2-4am: I crawled to bed and Andy helped me try and get the muscle to relax. I took more ibuprofen. I added in 2 of my mom’s Tremadol to the mix to see if that might help. I was in excruciating pain. Nothing was helping. At 4am, Andy called the nurse to see what we more we might do. I couldn’t walk or get out of bed without the muscle going into a deep, deep spasm that was so incredibly painful that I literally could not contain the yelps coming out of my body. Thankfully and coincidentally, my sister was spending the night at our house that night, and she awoke and sat and rubbed my hair and gently soothed me with her words “just try and breathe and relax.” I was trying but, again, the pain was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. The nurse told Andy: go to the ER.

Tuesday 5am: An ambulance arrives and the EMTs check me out and tell me that an ER visit might not do me any good, as they’ll only give me ibuprofen and tell me to rest. They asked if I could get up and walk for them so they could “check me out” before they left. I stood up and screeched in agony and they looked at each other and said “let’s go to the ER.”

My first ambulance ride. I held on to the bedrails for dear life. The ambulance was moving fast and furiously and every bump in the road and every curve we took sent me into a new sea of pain. All I could do was concentrate on my breath and stare our the window at the streetlights as we passed. I looked for landmarks that I knew so I could orient myself to where we were. The acceleration onto the beltline as the sirens blared. The sign overhead that  said  “Midvale Blvd.” The looooong curve of the Fish Hatchery North Exit. I continued to breathe. I cried.

Tuesday 5:20am: At the hospital. After what seemed like about 10 different people asking me to verify my name, date of birth, address, etc., I was moved from the stretcher to a hospital bed. Andy and my Mom were right there by my side. A wonderful nurse named Meghan assured me the doctor was on his way and that meds were coming in short order. Within 20 minutes, I received a pill to relax the muscle and two shots: one of uber-iburprofen and one of Dilaudid. I am a fan of the narcotics in this situation, lemme tell ya.

Tuesday 6:15am: I am fully relaxed, pain is down to a 3-4, and I am smiling and joking. I did a FaceTime with Vivian (she was concerned when she woke up that Momma was not at home…and upon hearing I was at the hospital, she wanted to make sure I was okay). I told her I’d be home soon and was feeling SO MUCH BETTER. One more shot of Dilaudid to ease the bumps along the way home. Off we go.

Tuesday 7:45am: I texted my clients and told them I was unable to coach that day. I texted a few friends to let them know what was happening with me. I passed out. I woke up 18 hours later to use the bathroom and get a drink of water. I took a muscle relaxer and went back to sleep. I slept another 17 hours. Straight. I was exhausted, apparently.

Thursday afternoon: A previously-scheduled annual wellness appointment with OB/GYN. Went to it. Told her what had happened. I’ve been seeing her for years and she knows me pretty well by now. She said “you know, a lot of times back pain is physical, and a lot of times it’s ALSO psychological.” I’d heard that before, so it was nothing new. But it gave me a little nudge, a little reminder, that I might need to reflect on my life a bit and see what might be causing this pain. I might need to SLOW DOWN and really wade into the waters of my own being for a bit. I left that appointment and called my dear Sara. Broke down telling her how I am realizing how burnt out I am, how tired I am, and how I didn’t even realize it. She have me a directive: no new business bookings for the balance of 2015. I’m calendared with events, speaking engagements, group programs, and individual clients through November. After that, no more in 2015. Everything “new” I do comes in for 2016. Yes, ma’am! I felt so relieved by that.

Saturday morning: Boarded a plane to go to Texas to spend 5 days with my soul sister and one of my best friends, Allison. We planned this months ago. We’re writing a new creative class together that we’ll launch at some point in the future. I relied on the mercy of strangers (thank you dear man with the yellow baseball cap from Wisconsin!) to help me with my bags, both on the plane and then again at baggage claim. Allison picked me up. Hot as hell in TX. She said “we’ll go slow…don’t worry.” We painted. She have me space to breather. We drank some Prosecco, played on Periscope, and ate pizza. And were in bed by 10pm. I woke up at 10am the next day.

I am exhausted. I am tired. I still have TONS of energy, but I have to learn to NOT say “YES!!!” to everything that sounds fun and exciting. I just want to DO IT ALL and my body is saying “nope…time for you to rest.” And so I will. And I worry about how that will impact my life as a business owner, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, etc. And I TRUST that it will all work out okay. Who knows what comes next. This much I know is true:

Our bodies are wise beyond belief. We must listen to them when they are trying to speak to us. It’s time for me to  transform  my life such that I don’t experience this “unexpected burnout.” I’m not sure exactly how that plays out, but I am willing to dig deep and take a look and make adjustments as necessary.

We must trust that events like this one with my back is all part of our journey and that there is a gift in this moment, too, as hard as it might be to understand at times. And we must surrender and rest at times and not push ourselves so hard. We are only human, after all. And this human, for one, would be JUST FINE with never having to ride in an ambulance ever again.