Ever hear these kind of phrases in your head?
If you “coulda” worked harder, you would’ve gotten that promotion.
You “oughta” attend that networking event, even if you don’t want to.
If you “woulda” structured that project better, you’d be done by now.
You really “shoulda” handled that differently—you looked like a fool.
If you do catch yourself hearing comments like these in your head – BE AWARE! Words like Coulda, Oughta, Woulda, and Shoulda (i.e., the infamous C.O.W.S.) are all clues to you that the saboteur, gremlin, inner critic, evil madwoman inside, etc. is likely on the scene. And you must work quickly to STOP them, else they get the best of you by lowering your self-confidence and ruining your otherwise good day.
C.O.W.S. are saboteurs in disguise
So how do you manage these voices when they arise? Saboteur management is one of my favorite topics to coach around with my clients—and it’s nearly universal that we ALL experience these voices from time-to-time (if not many times in a single day!). For those who plan to participate in the Good Vibe Tribe, we’re going to focus on this quite frequently—so be sure to get on the list when registration opens in October.
Wrangling C.O.W.S.
In the meantime, here’s a quick and dirty strategy for managing those awful voices (which, by the way, will never completely go away…the good news, though, is that you CAN quiet them with perseverance, practice, and a little sense of humor).
STEP 1: a la the famous gremlin tamer Rick Carson, the first step is to simply notice the saboteur when it rears its ugly head. How do you tell if it’s a “real” voice or a saboteur? Investigate the language: do you hear words like coulda, oughta, woulda, shoulda? If so, it’s likely a saboteur voice and not the TRUE, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL YOU voice. Shine the spotlight on the bugger and watch him/her curl back in horror. Sometimes that’s enough to get them to shut up. Then, go pick up a copy of Carson’s Taming Your Gremlin and read it.
STEP 2: Stop and say H.A.L.T.! Ask yourself: am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If you answer “yes” to any one of those, you are in a position of increased vulnerability and more susceptible to a saboteur attack. So—listen closely and then go make yourself a sandwich or take a nap.
STEP 3: Turn to your saboteur and point-blank ask the little devil:
“What is it, Saboteur, that you want me to pay attention to here?”
“What is it you are trying to make sure that I don’t ignore or step over?”
“What do I need to say to you in order to get you to stand down?”
Listen for the answers. Journal on it. Sleep on it. Take a walk and ruminate. Call a friend and share your thoughts/feelings. Email your coach. Do whatever you have to do EXCEPT by into the saboteur’s BS (and it IS b*%^*!!#).
Notice, Stop, Ruminate
Rinse and repeat as many times as necessary (it’s a process, not an event!).
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