Do you often deal with a bully at work? Perhaps you can relate to this reader, who recently reached out to me over email with this situation:
Hi Chariti,
One member of my team, a solid D-style, often bullies others at work. They see their bully-style as more of a reward to wear around their neck and something to be proud of, rather than seeing how it makes others not want to work with them. I’ve provided feedback and they admit to the issue and apologize but continue to act in the same manner. On top of this they are influencers on the team and respected for their knowledge, so the other members take on this behavior as well. What words can I use in coaching them to help them start to introspect?
Dear Reader:
Before I offer my advice, I have one VERY IMPORTANT thing to note:
Remember that being a D is not the same as being a bully. I know lots of D’s who are very direct and driving, and they are not bullies at all. There’s a difference. Being a bully is a personality issue; being dominant and highly assertive is more of a behavioral trait (and behavioral traits are mutable and can change, depending on the situation!). While it’s true that you don’t really get a bully without some “D” in the behavioral profile somewhere, I certainbly would be remiss if I did not point out that D-style does not equal bully.
Simply Notice and Create Awareness for the Bully
Say to the bully:
I notice that, when you come on too strong, you shut people down, which impacts the speed at which we get results. What do you make of that observation?
It’s helpful to connect the dots for the D: their behavior directly impacts results. If they are creating an environment where people feel threatened and/or are afraid to speak up, productivity, efficiency, and innovation are at risk. How is a team going to “win” if they don’t have an environment that encourages these things? I’d ask the D that question directly.
Give Humor a Shot
“Hey, Bully, Your Style is a Superpower for Good, Not for Evil”
Try the humorous approach and remind the Bully that their driving and direct style wins every time when it is used to create positive (not negative) results and relationships. You might try a quip with a smile: “I see that you are acting more like Two-Face than Batman today, huh? How’s that going to work for us, do you suppose?”
Fight Back
While this is rarely a stance I recommend or use myself, every now and again you simply have to fight back. When their bully behavior rears its ugly head over and over, it might be time to stand up to the bully and tell them to knock it off. Don’t lose an opportunity to point it out when they’re being a jerk and ask them to back off/stand down in a strong and assertive way. You might be surprised how receptive they are to this approach.
If you’ve ever been bullied at work by a strong and/or aggressive person, how have you handled it? What worked?
Thank you for addressing this issue. I strongly believe that this needs to be a focus within the State of Wisconsin. I have encountered several bullies, in positions of authority, who continue to abuse their positions. I am a C/D, and while I have not been accused of being a bully, I do not stand down to bullies. This, of course, is not well received by the bully, who then begins to bad-mouth me to executive management as being uncooperative etc. My only recourse is to document my position in email and quietly, or as quietly as possible, continue to explain my position and seek a more collaborative approach to addressing the issue at hand.
I am fortunate to be in a position where I could survive if terminated, and feel that it’s more important to stand up for myself or my staff, than cave to a bully. But lots of employees are not in the same spot, and have dependents whose needs must be placed above all else. Bullies target the weak, and once it’s been determined that I’m not one of those, I’m generally left alone. But once a bully smells blood in the water surrounding others, it seems that often they won’t stop until they can dominate, and often destroy, someone. This is not acceptable, and bullies, regardless of their “knowledge” must be dealt with in a prompt and strong manner. Otherwise, their behaviors will continue and their victims will just be part of a long a path of damage. The State of Wisconsin has been advocating Trauma Informed Care and claims to want to foster a healthy work environment. The state must effectively eliminate bullying, especially within its upper management staff before the TIC initiative can be taken seriously.
Thanks for your vulnerability and input. Working within a politically-charged environment like local/state/national government always adds another layer to the (often) complex office-relationships-environment. I appreciate your candor and willingness to speak your truth.